For ten years, I found myself caught in a destructive cycle of substance use.
It began innocently enough in college with alcohol—something fun, normal, and harmless, or so I thought. I was not drinking more than my friends, maybe even less. I had boundaries: cut-off times at 11 p.m., sometimes midnight. What I did not understand was that I was building a habit that would hold me back for a decade.
Weekend drinking led to mornings filled with anxiety and feeling terrible. Any plan for productivity went out the window because I was unmotivated, sleep-deprived, and mentally drained. Those weekends added up. I could not see it then, but I was robbing myself of time, clarity, and the ability to operate at my full potential.
When relaxing becomes standing still
At 25, I began pursuing my master's degree. During that time I turned to weed, a substance that made me content with being lazy and doing absolutely nothing. Every day, I told myself I would relax with a quick hit before starting work. Without fail, I ended up on the couch, zoning out, wasting hours, and sleeping terribly. That cycle added six months to my degree, which I finally completed at 28.
By 30, I had my master's degree and a “good job,” but I could not ignore how much further I might have been without substances holding me back.
The substance that crept in slowly
The most destructive of them all was kratom. Unlike alcohol or weed, kratom crept in slowly. It felt great at first, but over time it became a crutch that changed me. It killed my ambition and made me content with being less than I knew I could be. Deep down, I still had goals, but substances numbed that hunger and robbed me of my joy in hard work.
Nicotine and caffeine followed, each bringing its own disruption. Whether it was vaping or nicotine pouches, the dependencies took time, energy, and money. Caffeine, which I began using later, disrupted my sleep and made me dependent on an artificial boost.
The real cost
It was never just the money
Time
Weekends, mornings, and months disappeared into recovery, procrastination, and routines built around the next substance.
Clarity
Poor sleep, anxiety, and artificial highs made it harder to think clearly and follow through.
Ambition
Cheap dopamine made comfort available immediately, dulling the hunger to work for something meaningful.
Self-trust
Every broken promise to quit became more evidence that my own word could not be trusted.
“Why strive for meaningful achievement when you can feel good instantly?”
Learning to be enough without a substance
Here is the truth I have come to understand: the best version of me is substance-free. To become who I am meant to be, I have to accept myself as I am. I do not need something to change my mood or manufacture my energy. I was born with what I need to pursue a meaningful life.
If you are ambitious, think about the weekends, mornings, and opportunities lost to substances. Imagine the clarity, financial freedom, strength, and self-respect you could regain by letting them go. Moderation may work for some, but it is worth asking yourself: What is wrong with simply being you?